


it's what you thought that you wanted (it's still a surprise)

by leeinthesky



Series: to be in love with you is everything [1]
Category: New Amsterdam (TV 2018)
Genre: Coparenting, Didn't Know They Were Dating, Domestic Fluff, Everyone knows they love each other, F/M, Getting Together, Mutual Pining, georgia goodwin is Not Alive, helen is a good mom, lauren bloom is a good friend, let helen help raise baby luna!, max ‘heart eyes’ goodwin, past Lauren/Helen if you squint, there’s a lot of texting going on but it’s not a texting fic i swear
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-17
Updated: 2019-05-28
Packaged: 2020-03-07 02:36:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18864004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leeinthesky/pseuds/leeinthesky
Summary: it's hard on the body, it's hard on the mind,to learn what kept us together, darling,is what kept us aliveit's been ten months, and helen sharpe is learning a lot about herself. somehow, the pieces all fall together effortlessly. now, if it were only that easy to finally tell max goodwin that while they've been coparenting, she's fallen even more deeply, madly, and hopelessly in love with him.(she has the absolutely and terrifyingly hopeful suspicion that he already knows.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> say it with me people: HELEN IS FINE! misleading season finale endings be damned! anyways, enjoy this- it's my hiatus gift to you people. don't know how many chapters this'll be, but there will be at least one more.
> 
> MUCHAS GRACIAS to fowsia for reading this and reassuring me that this was good. you are the bomb.com
> 
> title is from 'unbearably white' by vampire weekend. generic warning about how i don't own these nerds, nbc does, blah blah blah

some days, when helen sharpe wakes up in the morning, she forgets. she lays there in her big bed and listens to chelsea wake up and the bustle of the city seeps in through her windows, and helen blissfully forgets that a quarter of her most integral organs are not her own. 

then, her alarm goes off and she has to stretch for her phone and the dull ache that’s become her constant companion reminds her that she nearly died ten months ago. lauren bloom nearly died ten months ago. 

georgia goodwin _did_ die ten months ago. 

some mornings the guilt of it all crushes her with its weight. helen shouldn’t be alive; she doesn’t have a baby to care for and a husband to love and support. bloom should be breathing through _her_ lung, not georgia’s. it’s suffocating and horrible and it takes everything helen has to get out of bed instead of screaming into her pillow, but she does it. she has people who need her to save them, people whose lives depend on her getting up and doing her job and doing it well. 

(helen wonders if this is what it was like for max when he first came to new amsterdam, when his life was falling apart and he knew he had cancer but wouldn’t tell anyone. she wonders if this is why he’s constantly pushing for more, more, more, because he knows their time could be up at any moment.)

in ten months, the only person whose life hasn’t changed drastically is luna goodwin’s. for her, life has always been like this: long days at a hospital where any number of things could kill her because her father can’t bear to leave her at home or with a babysitter, changing hands in-between meetings and appointments like the world’s most precious hot potato. sometimes helen worries that luna will grow up to be ill adjusted, but then the little girl will smile up at her and helen knows she’ll be okay. after all, who doesn’t need a veritable army of people ready to die slash maim/kill for your infant?

that’s one big change ten months has brought. people have started referring to luna as _helen’s_ baby. she tries to correct them whenever she can, but still gets compliments on _her_ cute kid and oh, _your_ baby is just precious when she carries luna through the hospital or out in public. being max’s deputy and doctor and best friend through all of this means she watches luna more often than anyone besides max and spends a lot of time with them outside of the hospital, and the worst thing that happens is that people think this blonde haired blue eyed child is _helen’s_. when it was only happening once in every hundred interactions it was kind of funny, but now that luna’s a bit older and her hair is getting darker it’s happening too often. 

helen doesn’t know if it’s better that max seems to not care. it’s certainly not great for her survivor’s guilt when he tells her not to worry about it and that she’s more luna’s mom than anyone else before handing helen the baby and running off to save someone else’s life.

ten months, and max has never been away from luna for more than a few hours during horribly long immunotherapy sessions, but necessary overnight excursions were bound to happen eventually. helen is in the meeting where the board asks max to go boston for some conference and can see his respectful attention wane as he starts to worry. he smiles and agrees to go, of course, but his hand shoots out under the table to grab helen’s like it’s the lifeline that will keep him from sinking. 

helen can’t stop herself from worrying, too. out in the hallway after the meeting, she wonders how long one should respectful wait to ask to babysit a child who isn’t really yours, but also kind of is. she follows max all the way to his office without bursting, but the second his door closes they both break down. 

‘could you please watch luna while i’m gone?’ max pleads at the same time helen says ‘ _please_ let me watch luna while you’re in boston!’

they stare at each other for a second before they break out into laughter. 

‘oh thank god,’ max sighs, dragging a hand across his face. ‘you’re the only person i trust to have her overnight.’

helen feels a little funny at that. a good funny, like a sort of warmth in her stomach. ‘i would have been so worried,’ she says, laughing to undercut just how serious she is. 

max smiles, teeth on full display and eyes hopeful, and the funny little feeling intensifies. ‘i’ve got to go check on a patient, then i’m good to go. wanna go get lu from iggy? i’ll meet you in the atrium and we can go to that good vegan thai place.’

all she can do is nod. ‘okay, see you in a few.’ 

he grabs a file off his desk. just before he’s out the door, max grabs the sides of helen’s face and plants a tender kiss on her forehead. ‘helen sharpe, what would i do without you?’ he asks, voice full of something she can’t place. then he’s gone, disappearing in a cloud of something so distinctly _him_ and helen tries to fight the smile and blush from growing on her face but can’t.

well, _shit_. 

~

dinner goes fine. after max’s little comment in the office, everything between the two of them feels a little more charged to helen, but if max notices it, he doesn’t act any differently. they make plans for while he’s away and try to keep luna from getting too dirty (she can hold her own spoon and pretty much feed herself now, but jesus does she make a mess) and for all the times they’ve gone out to dinner, this feels the most like a date. 

helen smiles like an idiot all the way home. it’s like it was months ago, their banter, and she allows herself to feel the same giddiness she used to at the thought of him. it’s not until she flops down onto her couch that helen feels the ache in her gut where her skin was ripped apart by the shredded metal of an ambulance, remembers who saved her life, and immediately feels horrible. max isn’t her date. she doesn’t get to feel giddy at the thought of him, especially when georgia was his wife and the mother of his child and isn’t here anymore. 

before she can think, helen is grabbing her phone and dialing a number. she starts to think better of it two rings in and is about to hang up, but on the third shrill _riiiiiiinnngggg!_ lauren bloom answers her phone. 

‘hey helen,’ lauren says, and helen can hear her smile. ‘what’s shakin’, bacon?’

it’s the way bloom has answered her phone for as long as helen’s known her, and it’s oddly comforting. even when everything else has changed, one thing is still the same. 

helen sighs. ‘i have the terrible feeling that i might be a horrible person,’ she admits. 

there’s a pause on the other end. ‘well, damn,’ bloom says back, sounding a little stunned. ‘not the feel i was expecting or going for, there.’

‘i’m sorry.’ helen flops backwards onto her couch and stares at the ceiling. ‘it’s just that everything is so weird lately and you give the best advice and i miss the way we used to hang out and bitch about everything.’

lauren laughs. ‘i _do_ give the best advice, don’t i?’ she doesn’t wait for confirmation. ‘what we need is a thursday night bar crawl a la residency, but am i old for saying that sounds horrible?’

‘no.’ it does sound horrible. and besides, neither of them can really drink anyways; helen's liver is not her own anymore, and lauren is nearly a year sober. ‘where are you right now?’

bloom hesitates again, almost like she’s embarrassed. helen knows she’s not; she never really has been. she’s gauging a reaction. 

‘wandering,’ lauren finally gives up. ‘didn’t really feel like going home yet.’

helen knows lauren has always hated her inherited apartment, with its bad memories and empty space, so she offers. ‘come to my place. we can eat ice cream and watch the bachelor like we used to. you can even stay the night if you promise not to snore.’

‘alright,’ bloom agrees quickly. maybe she misses their closeness as much as helen does. ‘and i do _not_ snore.’

fifteen minutes later, there’s a knock on helen’s apartment door. she opens it to find a windswept lauren, all pink cheeks and wide smiles and barely contained energy, and helen feels better immediately. it’s been much longer than she’d would like to admit since lauren, once her closest friend, has been in her apartment, but bloom still knows to take her shoes off at the door and helen still knows she’ll have tea not coffee. they make small talk while the water boils and lauren regales helen with the tale of a particularly bad patient she’d had that day. they sit on helen’s big bed and make it through a pint of haagen das and half an episode of the bachelor before bloom pauses the television. 

‘so,’ she prompts nonchalantly. 

helen laughs weakly. ‘so.’

‘care to explain yourself?’ right to the point. helen’s always loved that about lauren. even when no one else will give it to her straight, bloom will. 

she fiddles with her spoon and tries to organize her thoughts in a way that makes sense. ‘it’s max,’ helen finally says. 

lauren sits up. ‘yeah?’

‘yeah. it’s just- i don’t know. we’ve always kind of had this thing, right? even before- before georgia, which is just _awful_. nothing ever happened, but sometimes i wished something would and now that she’s gone, i can’t help thinking that i’m a horrible person for it. i put everything aside to help max with the baby because i know what it’s like to lose a spouse but now everything seems like...i don’t know, it seems like _more_ , somehow. he told me i was pretty much luna’s mother the other day. and today he said he didn’t know what he’d do without me.’ helen didn’t really mean to say all of this, but once she starts talking, it just spills out. ‘i really like him, lauren. love him, even, but i can’t help feeling like a bad human being for it. he’s not mine to love.’

helen doesn’t think that lauren bloom has ever been speechless in her life, but she is now, which really doesn’t do wonders for helen’s state of mind. she’s about to open her mouth and take it all back when bloom finally speaks. 

‘when i was in high school, there was this kid who said everything could be explained by science. lance keller. any situation you gave him, he could science his way out of,’ lauren starts. ‘even love.’

helen doesn’t really know where she’s going with this, but she bites anyways. ‘sounds like a downer.’

bloom laughs. ‘you have _no_ idea. he used to walk down the halls telling couples they were only into each other because of oxytocin and serotonin and dopamine and hormones. he got punched a lot. i have no idea what lance did after we graduated, but i do know that he got married. i imagine he bored his wife with his science knowledge, but i think she liked it.’ she pauses. ‘i know this, because one day, he walked into my emergency department holding his wife’s body.’

she pauses again, and helen is sucked even more into the story. she remembers how when they were residents, lauren would hold court in one of the old on call rooms on the fourth floor of the hospital. she used to captivate everyone with her storytelling, and for about a year it made helen absolutely certain that she was in love with her. 

‘she’d had a stroke,’ lauren continues, snapping helen out of her nostalgia. ‘it was so _weird_. she was healthy and in her late twenties and shouldn’t have had to worry about it, but there it was. a cryptogenic stroke. we never figured out what caused it. lance tried to find the science to explain it, but it just wasn’t there. i sat with him in her room until he was ready to take her off the ventilator and when he finally gave up on science, all he said was that he was her forever, but she didn’t get the opportunity to be his.’ bloom shrugs, getting a spoonful of ice cream and eating it thoughtfully. ‘maybe max was georgia’s forever, but she isn’t his. you can’t control what happened to her, or how you feel now. or how _max_ feels now. you can’t feel guilty for being max’s forever.’

helen had been messing with a loose thread in her sweater, but now her eyes snap up to meet her friend’s. ‘what?’ it rips out of her, and helen hates how hopeful it sounds. 

‘are you kidding me?’ lauren snorts. she gives helen her patented ‘i have no time for your bullshit’ look. ‘anyone with eyes can see how totally head over heels he is for you. it’s disgusting, really. when you move, max moves. like a lost puppy, or a moon stuck in your gravity.’

‘oh,’ helen whispers, and she knows she must look so awestruck it’s silly, but her friend says nothing and lets her process. 

‘you don’t have to tell him until you’re ready,’ bloom adds, ‘but i don’t think you should wait very long. single guy, good job, loves his kid? i’m honestly surprised he hasn’t been asked out by more people.’

‘more?’

‘oh, yeah. i’ve had to enact a strict ‘no asking out doctor goodwin’ policy in the ed.’ lauren laughs at helen’s face now. ‘don’t worry, he’d never say yes to anyone but you, and i’d never let him. the two of you pining over each other has been the worst, and it’s distracting my nurses.’

helen laughs, but it’s more breathless than amused, and she flops backwards onto her bed. ‘are you serious?’ she asks. ‘he really does like me?’ 

‘how couldn’t he?’ bloom responds, mirroring her sprawl. helen shoots her a look as she saves the melting ice cream from spilling. ‘no, really,’ she assures her. ‘i think he’s been a little in love with you from the start. and now that you’re raising a child together? dude, you practically live together as it is.’ 

‘we’re not- _he’s_ raising luna, i’m just helping. and we don’t live together!’

lauren may as well just have a permanently unimpressed look on her face. ‘how many nights have you spent at max’s apartment this month? you wanna tell me you don’t have a stash of clothes at his place?’

she does. nearly half of her clothes are at max’s, which is really annoying when she plans an outfit in her head only to find half of it is at his place. and they really are coparenting. helen is watching luna while max goes away, and takes care of her more than anyone else. she worries about her and wants her to have the best life and grow up happy. helen really is luna’s mother. 

‘holy shit. i have a daughter!’ she exclaims. 

‘and a live in boyfriend,’ lauren adds wryly. ‘tell me, does he cook you breakfast when you stay the night?’

helen groans, because he does. bloom laughs and grabs her hand on the bed. 

‘you’re both idiots, but i think you’ll be okay,’ lauren says softly. 

they lay there for a minute, enjoying the quiet of helen’s apartment compared to the loudness of the city outside, before helen says, ‘thank you for dropping everything to come stop my spiral.’

bloom gets an odd look on her face, both soft and strained at the same time. she takes a deep, stuttering breath, almost as if it still pains her to breathe through her borrowed new lung. ‘you would’ve done the same for me. you _have_ done the same for me.’

they both know what she’s talking about, so helen just nods and snuggles in closer to her friend. they fall asleep like that, whispering and giggling like little girls on a sleepover. it’s been ten months, and helen is glad to have her best friend back. 

~

when they walk in to the hospital the next day, max and luna are waiting. helen almost stops to watch max play with the baby, but as soon as luna sees her, she screeches at the top of her lungs and lets out a string of baby babble. max looks over, and the smile that grows on his face makes helen a little weak in the knees. 

lauren looks much too smug. ‘go get ‘em, tiger,’ she says into helen’s ear, before winking at max and disappearing into the early morning crowd of new amsterdam. 

max watches her go with thinly veiled interest. ‘should i be jealous of doctor bloom, doctor sharpe?’ he asks teasingly. 

‘maybe ten years ago, doctor goodwin,’ helen snorts. he only calls her doctor sharpe jokingly anymore, usually it’s just ‘helen’ or the occasional ‘sharpe’. she can play along. helen takes luna from him to say good morning and notices how he’s practically vibrating. ‘excited for today?’ 

‘are you kidding me?’ he exclaims loudly. it earns him a few dirty stares in the hallway. ‘last immunotherapy session today! as of 5:30 tonight i will be cancer free.’ 

‘potentially cancer free,’ helen corrects. ‘we'll still have to wait for the labs to come back.’

‘you don’t want me to be in remission?’

‘ _no_ , i don’t want to jinx it.’

‘helen, you can’t jinx something like this, either i’m cancer free or i’m not-‘

‘good morning, you two,’ dora says tiredly, appearing out of nowhere as she is prone to do. it makes both helen and max jump and breaks them out of their little back and forth. ‘max,’ she says, handing him a form to sign and a stack of charts, ‘you’ve got a meeting about inter-hospital resource sharing at 10, immunotherapy at 4, and your plane leaves from la guardia at 7:25.’

max frowns a little at the mention of leaving for boston, but simply takes the files. he reaches for luna, but before he can grab her, dora has taken her from helen. 

‘helen, you’ve got a hematology consult in endocrinology, patient appointments on the hour until 2, and max’s appointment at 4, of course,’ dora cuts in, clearly not done. ‘so luna’s gonna spend the day with auntie dora, isn’t she? yes she is,’ she coos to the baby. ‘i’ll hand her back over at 3.’

and just like that, dora is gone, literally disappearing in the split second where both helen and max look down at their files. 

‘let’s hope she doesn’t teach luna to do that,’ helen sighs once they realize she’s gone. ‘that would create so many problems when she’s older.’

she doesn’t even realize what she’s said until she sees max’s quiet smile. ‘yeah- yeah, it would,’ he says, ducking his head to try and hide his grin. 

‘sorry,’ helen amends quickly. ‘it’s just that…i can’t imagine _not_ raising her. not being here for her. or you.’

now or never. 

‘we wouldn’t want you anywhere else.’ max is impossibly close and he’s grabbed one of her hands, his thumb ghosting over the back gently, and they’re in the middle of the hospital but all helen can think about is kissing him. 

the moment is broken by helen’s phone ringing. 

‘that would be doctor beni, wondering where his hematology consult is,’ helen clears her throat. 

‘right,’ max agrees, stepping back a little. 

she nods, but misses the warmth of his hand when it falls to rest by his side. ‘i’ll see you later?’

‘mhmm.’ he’s looking at her with an expression that can only be described as adoration, and it makes helen smile back at him. 

‘okay. see you.’

‘okay.’

neither of them are moving. finally, helen laughs and turns to walk away, fully expecting max to do the same. she fights the urge to look back and loses; she makes it halfway to the stairwell before she turns and finds max standing right where she left him. he’s watching her, hands on his hips, like he’s just surveying her. he’s got luna’s spit up on the shoulder of his scrubs and he’s doing that thing where he grows out his beard and he looks so so tired, but _god_ , is he beautiful. max smiles softly, huffs out a laugh and shakes his head, like he can’t believe something. helen’s pretty sure this is her cue, so she smiles back and finally leaves him there in the hallway. 

helen makes it up two flights of stairs before she has to stop and breathe, about ten seconds away from squealing and hyperventilating like a schoolgirl with a crush. her phone has been going off nonstop and she’s ready to tell doctor beni to fuck off with his consult, but then she sees that half of her texts are from lauren.

FROM ‘la bloom’:  
(8:47 am, UNREAD)  
SPOTTED IN THE FIRST FLOOR NORTH CORRIDOR!:

(8:47 am, UNREAD)  
doctor goodwin seen eye fucking doctor sharpe, complete with visual undressing

(8:48 am, UNREAD)  
geez helen, just go at it in front of everyone why don’t you

helen snorts and sends off a reply. trust bloom to be crude about it.

(8:53 am, SENT)  
we were NOT eye fucking you maniac

(8:54 am, SENT)  
how do you even know any of that????

(8:55 am, UNREAD)  
ma’am i have spies all over this hospital. nothing happens without me knowing about it

of course she does. that would actually explain _so much_ about lauren’s ability to know seemingly everything about everyone. 

(9:02 am, UNREAD)  
SPOTTED! max goodwin smiling like an idiot in cardiology! sources say he was talking to doctor reynolds about doctor sharpe

helen goes through the rest of her day with a permanent smile on her face.

~

max will not sit still during his immunotherapy session at mount sinai. helen can’t tell if it’s excitement at being done with it, worry that his cancer isn’t gone, or nerves at leaving luna all weekend. he wants to hold luna the whole time, which pretty much answers her question, and helen lets him despite the fact that the baby wants and actively tries to pull out his iv line. 

‘send me updates while i’m gone?’ max asks, and the lost look on his face makes helen agree immediately. he knows she would have, but she reassures him anyways. 

helen gives him a pitying look. ‘at least try and enjoy yourself, okay? it’s only two days.’ 

‘yeah,’ he agrees halfheartedly. then, luna babbles excitedly and that makes him smile, so helen knows he’s okay. 

when one of the nurses comes to do his final tests, helen and luna go to the nurse’s station to inquire about how humanly fast it would be possible to get max’s test results back. although she hasn’t said it out loud for fear of jinxing it, helen has seen his last numbers and is almost certain that the cancer is gone. having the results that proved that for when max got home from boston would be wonderful. the nurse is assuring her that she’ll call in some favors when helen hears a voice that makes her physically freeze. 

‘helen! hey, helen!’ 

it’s akash panthaki. helen hasn’t spoken to him in nearly ten months, when he’d come running into her hospital room to apologize for fighting and found her holding a newborn luna and max asleep at her bedside. _yeah_. that had not been fun for either of them.

helen turns on her heel to face him. he’s cut his hair, she notices faintly. he falters for a moment when he sees the baby and helen hopes that he’ll give up, but no dice. panthaki keeps his smile plastered on and she realizes how fake it looks. did his smile always look this fake?

‘hi,’ he says kind of breathlessly when he finally makes it over. 

helen doesn’t say anything for a solid thirty seconds before she realizes she’s staring. ‘uhm, hello,’ she answers awkwardly. ‘say hi, luna.’

luna, for her part, lets out a little whine and buries her face in helen’s shoulder. _same, lu_ , she thinks. 

‘is that…?’ panthaki starts then trails off, maybe realizing that it’s a stupid question. who else would it be? ‘wow, she’s gotten big since the last time i saw her.’

helen has to bite back a sarcastic comment. _you mean since she was three days old? yeah, i sure hope so_. ‘yep. she’s ten months now,’ she says instead. 

they stand there, just staring at each other, before max walks out of the exam room like a gift from heaven. 

‘doctor panthaki!’ he says with enthusiasm that helen knows isn’t genuine. he’s changed out of his scrubs and is lugging his suitcase- they’re about to go off to the airport. 

‘doctor goodwin,’ panthaki says amicably, and helen can tell that _he’s_ faking it, too. ‘glad to see you looking healthy. going somewhere?’ he points to the suitcase.

‘boston.’ 

‘boston,’ akash repeats, like he’s trying to wrap his head around it. he turns to helen and gestures to luna. ‘and you’re babysitting?’

‘it’s not babysitting if it’s your child,’ helen says easily. she doesn’t miss the way max grins at the phrasing, and it feels pretty great to tell someone that luna is hers.

when panthaki speaks again, he almost sounds mad, which is absurd. ‘true, but she’s not your child,’ he shoots back.

that’s the comment that sets helen off. ‘luna is _our_ daughter,’ she corrects sharply. ‘ _ours_. we’re raising her together. do you have a problem with that, doctor panthaki?’

if she wasn’t so mad, the look on panthaki’s face would’ve made helen laugh. max puts an arm around her shoulders, says something much too polite to akash, then steers her out of the hospital. they don’t stop walking until they’re about a block away and max ducks into a starbucks. it hasn’t snowed in a few weeks, but it’s definitely still cold out, and helen feels awful when she realizes they didn’t stop to put on coats or anything. 

‘are you okay?’ max asks helen as he hands her luna’s tiny extra sweater. ‘i haven’t seen you that mad since you chewed out that social worker.’

he’s trying to make light of what had just happened; the social worker incident had been a spectacular blow up in the middle of the hospital atrium where helen had called a social worker who’d failed to report spousal and child abuse in a foster home everything from grossly incompetent and dangerously uninterested to just plain stupid. it works a little, and helen is able to give him a small smile. 

‘yeah,’ helen says as she wrestles luna’s beanie onto her uncooperative head. ‘he just really got on my nerves. i don’t remember him being so- so _annoying_.’

‘oh, i totally do. might’ve had ulterior motives, but i always thought he was a little too into himself,’ max muses as he takes luna so helen can put on her own jacket, scarf, and hat.

‘ulterior motives?’

‘yeah. you know, other reasons for not wanting you guys together, but maybe that’s a little self-serving of me.’

helen stares at him, a bit surprised. that might be the most overt thing max has ever said about wanting to be with her. it makes her cheeks heat up, but he seems to not realize what he said, or care.

‘i should probably get going,’ max says, looking at his watch. he blows raspberries on luna’s stomach to make her laugh, then hands her to helen a little reluctantly. ‘bye, baby,’ he says to the little girl. then, in a move that leaves helen totally struck speechless, max kisses her tenderly between her eyebrows, whispers, ‘bye, mama,’ and is out of the starbucks before she can even tell him to have a safe flight.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> two days alone with her own baby. helen can do this. 
> 
> ...right?
> 
> (max will always be there to reassure her and lift her up and tell her she’s doing good. thank god, because this is much harder than helen thought it would be.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CHAPTER TWO, WOO HOO! this thing is a mammoth of a chapter!
> 
> oh, did you guys want tooth rotting fluff? luna and helen sweet times? a declaration of love...maybe? well then you’re in the right place!
> 
> enjoy buds!

two days alone with luna doesn’t sound so daunting until helen is actually doing it. 

the baby doesn’t have total object permanence yet, so helen isn’t really sure that she even knows her father isn’t there, but she starts to get fussy almost immediately after max leaves. helen gets some dirty looks when luna won’t quiet down and she realizes very quickly that she’s not really prepared for this. usually, when she can’t calm luna down, she just hands her to max, or vice versa. 

luna truly looks like she’s going to start crying in earnest. the barista looks ready to throw them out for ruining the cool upper east side aesthetic of this totally generic starbucks. helen knows she must look so frazzled, and how has it only been five minutes since max left?

luna lets out a long whimper, usually a warning sign that she’s about to start screaming, and helen tries a last ditch effort. ‘quiet down, little one,’ she begs the baby in farsi.

helen hasn’t spoken farsi in years. on the off chance that her mother calls, helen answers all her questions in english. it’s rusty, and if any persian person were listening in, they’d probably make a face at her accent, but helen doesn’t really care because instead of crying, luna is now looking up at her in wonder. there’s a collective sigh of relief in the starbucks, which is ironic, because no one actually tried to help calm the baby down. helen resolves to never judge a person with a screaming child ever again, because this shit is _hard_. 

‘why are you so fussy? are you tired?’ helen asks soothingly in farsi, and as if right on cue, luna yawns, still transfixed by the new language. ‘okay, we’ll go home.’ 

she grabs the diaper bag, returns the barista’s nasty look, and zips up her jacket around luna’s tiny body. helen routinely makes fun of max and his love for his swedish baby sling, but she’s gotta admit: it’s very useful and right now, she wishes she had it. it’s so cold out, and it’s rush hour which means taking a taxi to get downtown will be expensive and take forever. carrying a child and three bags on the subway sounds terrible but it’s really helen’s only option right now, so she somehow manages to get everything over to 96th street and on to a 4 train. 

luna absolutely _hates_ being zipped up inside helen’s jacket, and babbles indignantly when helen finally lets her out. it’s nearly 6:30 on a friday, which means the downtown train is filled with people. a reluctant looking teenager gives up his seat so that helen can sit, and she never thought that she would feel relief just by sitting on the seat of a downtown-bound subway train, but here she is. 

luna yawns and babbles back and forth with helen for a bit. there’s an older lady sitting across from them, and for a horrible second, helen thinks she’s going to say something nasty. she pulls luna close and tries not to make direct eye contact, but at the 59th street stop, the old woman comes to sit directly next to them. 

‘hello, dear,’ she says. helen just smiles politely and hopes this lady isn’t crazy. really, it’s 50/50 in new york. ‘oh, she’s precious!’ the lady continues. ‘how old is she?’

helen will never ever understand why that’s the first question people ask about babies. ‘she’s ten months,’ she answers, looking down at luna. she seems apprehensive about this new person and looks up at helen, grabbing onto one of the braids hanging around her face.

‘i remember when my son was that age,’ the lady continues, and helen gets a few sorry looks from the other subway-goers. ‘such a good age!’

‘how old is your son?’ 

‘oh, he’d be about 45. he was a firefighter, you see, and it was the smoke that did him in.’

this peaks helen’s interest. ‘i’m so sorry,’ she says, and she means it. she tries to imagine losing luna, and truly can’t. 

the lady smiles sadly. luna makes up her mind, lets go of helen’s braid, and reaches out for the new woman. ‘it was ten years ago, now. he loved helping other people, even if it hurt him to do it.’

that sounds like someone helen knows. it makes her huff out a laugh and shake her head a little. ‘sounds like her father,’ she says, gesturing down to luna, who’s now trying to unravel the sleeve of her tiny knit sweater. ‘max would do everything to save everyone but himself. has done it.’

‘i used to think it was a bad thing. something to change about him,’ the older lady says, turning serious. there’s an intensity in her eyes that hadn’t been there just seconds before, and it startles helen. ‘it’s not. all you can do is wake up every morning and tell him how you feel. leave _nothing_ unsaid, and always be honest. if you love him, you’d better tell him.’

helen can’t say a word, she’s so thrown off. if max died today, would she regret that there were things she’d never told him? that’s an easy yes, and helen knows it.

suddenly, the train is stopping and the cool automated voice of the pa system is calling out grand central. the lady smiles, all traces of the seriousness of the moment before gone, and says something about this being her stop. helen doesn’t even have time to smile back weakly before the other woman is gone in the crowd of rush hour midtown traffic. there’s not even any indication that she was ever there at all, save the empty seat next to helen and luna’s soft disappointed whine at losing a new friend.

~

four stops later, and they’re at union square station. helen still feels generally shaken about the weird subway encounter, but somehow manages to get above ground with all of her stuff and luna in tow. it’s friday, so the square is full of people and food trucks and other general stimulus that makes luna babble excitedly. it makes helen feel mostly better, and she makes sure to get lots of pictures of luna’s smile for max. 

they finally make it to the apartment- max’s apartment- and helen can finally breathe. here, everything is baby proofed. here, helen can put luna down and let her crawl around without worrying about crazy people snatching her. and best of all? helen can take off her heels and bra and raid max’s liquor cabinet. 

(who is she kidding? she’s hardly had a full glass of wine since the accident, and only partially because of the new liver.) 

helen switches on the stereo and puts luna in her bouncy swing. she sighs when she has to switch the playlist (max’s taste in music is all over the place, and while she can appreciate the finer points of 2012 made-for-radio indie electropop, some of it is _not_ appropriate for a small child) and is about to send a text to said eclectic man about his horrible music when she remembers the woman from the subway. helen erases her text and starts again.

TO ‘max goodwin’:  
(6:32, SENT)  
friday in the square! _attch: luna-usquare.jpg_

(6:33, SENT)  
are you through security yet?

helen sets down her phone and starts getting luna ready for bed- fresh diaper, clean onesie, the works- when she realizes abruptly that she’s yet to feed luna and will effectively have to do all of this again. she groans and curses internally; luna is the messiest eater in the whole world, possibly, and can usually be counted on to get food all over herself. so helen, now a little frustrated, strips luna of the onesie, sits her in her highchair, and puts out food for her. she turns around for thirty seconds tops to get some leftover chinese out of the fridge, and when she turns back to her child, luna has somehow gotten food everywhere _but_ her mouth. it’s even in her hair. how, helen has no idea, but now her groan is anything but internal, and if she curses out loud, well. luna’s not repeating words back yet.

the ring of her cellphone is loud and shrill and definitely not what helen wants nor needs to hear right now.

‘what,’ helen barks into the phone when she answers it, and the laugh at the other end of the line calms her down immediately. 

‘man,’ max says, laugh still evident in her voice. ‘everything okay? i texted you back, but you didn’t answer.’

‘yeah.’ helen sighs and just decides to let luna get as messy as she’d like. ‘i just got luna cleaned up and ready for bed then realized that i hadn’t fed her yet.’ 

max laughs again, but it’s not at her. ‘is she now trying to single handedly recreate every single one of picasso’s works simultaneously?’

that makes helen smile. ‘it’s quite impressive. there’s somehow baby food on the kitchen island, and she’s over by the table.’

‘our little artiste.’ he says it with a bad french accent, which is just like him and makes helen’s heart ache for him. he’s only been gone an hour, tops, and she’s right back to missing him like she did months ago, when he was totally inaccessible to her. 

‘this is harder than i thought it would be,’ helen admits quietly after a minute. ‘i’m so used to having you here.’ 

‘i don’t have to go,’ max offers. 

‘no, you have to go.’ it’s frustrating to admit that helen’s having problems being alone with her own child, and a little embarrassing. ‘i can do this.’

‘helen, i know you can,’ he says soothingly, and he sounds so confident in her. ‘it’s okay to be a scared, or nervous, or whatever. shit, i’m terrified all the time. luna’s so _small_ , and half the time i have no idea what i’m doing. actually, more than half. you’re so good at this, and it comes so naturally to you, okay? just do whatever you think is best. you’re doing _great_.’

helen doesn’t know how max can do that, make her feel better about herself in an instant. she’s still not entirely out of the woods re: self doubt, but she certainly feels more capable. ‘thank you,’ she tells him, and her voice is soft and loving. a few months ago, she would have been so embarrassed to be speaking to him like this, so vulnerably, if only because she wasn’t sure where they stood. it’s not really any clearer now, but at least helen knows how she feels now. 

on the other end, max does that little thing where he huffs air out through his nose in lieu of a laugh. it’s always accompanied by that _smile_ , the one where his eyes crinkle up and his cheeks get a little ruddy, and helen can picture him in the airport leaning up against a wall somewhere tucked away and whispering reassurances to her over the phone. she wonders what he’s thinking of right now, and if he already misses her as much as she misses him. 

(maybe helen’s a little codependent, but can you blame her?)

‘we’re boarding,’ max says, sounding a little sad, and helen lets herself think it’s because he’ll have to get off the phone with her. 

‘okay,’ she answers. ‘text me when you land?’

‘of course. tell mini picasso goodnight from me?’

‘i will.’

they both stay quiet. neither wants to hang up. helen can hear max breathing softly through the phone, and the call for boarding for flight 2783 to boston. 

‘i’ll see you on sunday,’ max finally says. 

helen nods, then remembers that he can’t see her. ‘yeah,’ she agrees. ‘i’ll see you on sunday.’

he takes a deep breath, and just like that is gone, dial tone beeping back at helen sadly. 

helen sighs and throws her phone over and onto the couch and turns to look at luna. the little girl has, predictably, gotten mushy baby food everywhere, but also has somehow fallen asleep during the span of a five minute phone call. it makes her laugh quietly- this girl really is something. she carefully disentangles luna from the highchair, cleans her ( _again_ ), and sets her gently down in her crib. it’s seven o’clock, which is when luna usually starts to get sleepy, but helen doesn’t think she’s ever seen her absolutely drop off like this. she’s not going to complain, though, it was a long day between work and max leaving, so there’s nothing helen sharpe would like more than to curl up on max goodwin’s absurdly plushy couch and watch a few episodes of the netflix show they’ve been watching. (she’ll rewind them after, so he doesn’t see that she watched it without him. he’s very serious about his netflix.)

helen gets through half an episode of _the society_ before she hears a tiny whine from the other room- luna, no doubt wondering where everyone is. she hurries to pick up the baby before it turns into a full blown meltdown, and within a minute, luna’s eyes are sleepily drooping shut again. but when helen starts to put her back in the crib, her eyes shoot open again. this happens again and again, before helen just gives up and brings luna over to the couch to lay on her chest while she watches tv. only two episodes, she promises herself, but by the end of the first, both she and luna are sound asleep. 

~

helen wakes up to the sound of her phone. 

it’s disorienting, because she’s not in a bed, she’s still in her dress from the day before, and looking up at her is luna. helen quickly shakes off her sleepiness and sits up with the baby; she hadn’t meant to fall asleep with luna laying on top of her. babies, helen knows, aren’t meant to sleep on their stomachs for fear of sudden infant death syndrome, and not to mention the fact that she could have rolled over at anytime the night before and crushed luna. 

but she looks fine- she’s smiling and babbling and when her little tiny hand comes up to unceremoniously smack helen in the face, helen can breathe and relax a little bit. she checks her phone and sees six texts from max. she almost groans when she sees it’s only 8 am, but also knows this is the most sleep she’s gotten in ages. 

FROM ‘max goodwin’:  
(8:35pm, UNREAD)  
just landed

(9:03pm, UNREAD)  
at the hotel. did you fall asleep?

(6:54am, UNREAD)  
TELL ME YOU DIDN’T ACTUALLY FINISH THE SOCIETY WITHOUT ME!!!!!!!

(6:55am, UNREAD)  
I Have Never Felt More Betrayed

(8:04am, UNREAD)  
this conference is so boring. i’d rather be at home asleep with you than listening to a white male mansplain the health issues that people and specifically women of color face TO A WOMAN OF COLOR MODERATOR

(8:04am, UNREAD)  
even if you did finish our netflix show without me >:(

they make helen laugh. max texts like he talks- quickly and rambling, making just enough sense and leaving you a bit overwhelmed. she glances up at the television and sees that he’s right; their television show had played all the way through to the end. 

TO ‘max goodwin’:  
(8:09am, SENT)  
that’s what you’re worried about? not whether or not *** and **** finally get together? or wondering if ******** manipulates **** into doing something dangerous? or if something happens to ****???? >:)

(8:11am, SENT)  
just kidding, i was going to watch an episode (sorry) but then me and lu fell asleep on the couch

(8:11am, SENT)  
_attch: sleepybaby.jpg_

(8:14am, SENT)  
also. as a woman of color: you’ll get used to it

as helen answers max, her stomach growls loudly. she never ate the night before, she realizes, and luna looks up at her just as expectantly. helen knows the abysmal state of the fridge; she’s been meaning to go to the store, but both she and max have been so busy lately. she could make pancakes...maybe. but probably not. helen doubts that max has the amount of flour or eggs or baking powder it would take to make a sufficient number of pancakes for both her and luna. 

‘what do you think, luna? should we go out for breakfast?’ helen asks, looking over to the little girl. she’s grabbed onto the back of the couch and pulled herself up, gleefully watching the little birds that come and sit on the planters outside the window. luna babbles and points at her, so she takes it to be a yes. 

‘alright,’ helen agrees. ‘breakfast out it is.’

~

helen doesn’t know why she ever bashed max and his baby sling. this thing is great. she walks all the way to the le pain quotidien on 21st street and hardly even breaks a sweat; luna is strapped to her chest, so she has two free hands, and while this may come at the expense of her back later on, helen really doesn’t care. 

max has been sending her updates on this horrible conference (his words, not hers) and she’s trying to be as supportive as possible without enabling him to the point where he does something stupid and gets thrown out of the conference. helen can see the headline now: ‘NEW AM DIRECTOR THROWN OUT OF MEDICAL CONFERENCE FOR BEING A SMART ASS!’ it wouldn’t be a good look _at all_. max has just send her a long paragraph about how absolutely unnecessary this conference is for him because he’s a fellow and therefore doesn’t need to have new continuing medical education credits every year when their food arrives. helen takes a picture of luna destroying her tiny silver dollar pancakes to send to him. 

TO ‘max goodwin’:  
(10:04am, SENT)  
a distraction! _attch: dinnerparty.jpg_

helen doesn’t realize she’s attached the wrong picture until it’s sent, and she has a small heart attack when she does. she quickly sends an apology and the correct picture, and rushes to see what she sent first. 

it’s not a bad picture, and thank god that it’s not obscene or anything. it’s a picture of her she’d taken a week before when iggy had hosted a dinner party- she’s in a long, black dress and it was a _dinner party_ and therefore everything’s covered, but the pose she’s in coupled with the caption of ‘a distraction!’ makes it just suggestive enough. helen waits on baited breath for nearly five minutes before max finally answers. 

FROM ‘max goodwin’:  
(10:09am, UNREAD)  
WOOWWWWW

(10:09am, UNREAD)  
brb i’m leaving this dumb conference and coming home right now

(10:10am, UNREAD)  
it’s not fair that luna gets all of that and i don’t :(

the breath is knocked out of helen’s lungs. is he referring to her or to luna and her pancakes? helen has the suspicion that he deliberately made his texts vague just to do this to her. she stares at her phone for a solid minute, cheeks getting warm, before she can collect herself enough to reply. 

TO ‘max goodwin’:  
(10:12am, SENT)  
to which picture are you referring?

and then she waits. 

~

true to max goodwin form, he doesn’t answer for nearly seven hours. 

helen tries not to think about it. she takes luna to the park. they go grocery shopping. helen deep cleans the apartment, then cleans it again. she gives luna a bath, then takes the quickest shower of her life because she’s too afraid to leave luna alone in the apartment for too long, even if she’s safely placed in her playpen. god, helen even organizes the _closet_ just to give herself something to do. then, at 4:52 pm, max finally answers. 

FROM ‘max goodwin’:  
(4:52pm, UNREAD)  
the first one. 

she physically throws her phone. then hesitantly picks up her phone to read the message again. then throws her phone. 

then picks it up, and immediately calls lauren bloom. 

‘lauren,’ she gasps as soon as her friend answers. ‘i need you to come over right now.’

‘is everything okay? did something happen?’ bloom asks, sounding a little bewildered. 

‘no, everything’s fine. it’s _max_ , i need you to help me decipher these text messages,’ helen clarifies, taking a breath. maybe she was being a bit dramatic. 

‘geez, girl, you scared me,’ lauren laughs. ‘and as much as i would love to come and psychoanalyze max from just his text messages, i can’t. i’ve got a- a date. i think.’

‘you think? and with who?’

bloom pauses. ‘with floyd,’ she finally says shyly. she sounds softly pleased, and helen can hear the smile in her voice. 

‘with reynolds!’ helen says loudly, making luna shriek indignantly. ‘when did that happen? _how_ did that happen? i want details, it’s about fucking time!’

‘stop it,’ lauren chides her, but she still sounds more happy than actually annoyed. ‘um, it was just supposed to be lunch, but we both got emergency patients. he didn’t specifically say it was a _date_ , per say, but he’s taking me to a really nice restaurant. and i’m going to sunday dinner at his mom’s tomorrow.’

‘ _lauren_. that is so a date! and sunday dinner, you know how seriously the reynolds take sunday dinner.’ 

‘i know,’ lauren says, but it sounds like a gasp for air more than anything. she sounds so excited. ‘i said i wasn’t going to do this again, but here i am. i’m trying not to get my hopes up.’

‘i know the feeling,’ helen says dryly.

‘yeah, what happened with max?’

‘hold on, i’ll send you screenshots.’

helen quickly screenshots her conversation with max and sends it. she can hear when lauren’s phone dings, and the sharp intake of breath bloom makes as she reads.

‘ _girl_ ,’ lauren finally says.

‘ _exactly_ ,’ helen replies. ‘what does that even mean?’

‘it means he wants you to have his babies, helen!’

‘no way,’ helen snorts. ‘luna is enough as it is right now.’

‘so you would have his babies?’

‘lauren,’ helen says, exasperated. she pauses for a second. ‘although...i would not be adverse to the possibility. in the future.’

‘i _knew_ it!’ bloom gasps. ‘you totally want to get in his pants-‘

‘okay, i’m hanging up now,’ helen cuts her off quickly. ‘have fun on your date.’

‘it might not actually be a-‘

‘ _have fun on your date_.’

and then helen hangs up and throws her phone again. lauren didn’t tell her anything she didn’t already guess. there’s a right feeling in her chest, like she might suffocate or throw up or cry and helen realizes that she’s literally being smothered by her feelings- her _love_ for max. it scares her a little and helen thinks back to all the times she’d nearly told max she loved him. how many times has he felt like this? _does_ he feel like this? is he sitting in boston waiting for her to text him back? does he lie awake at night when she’s not here, thinking of her? 

and then luna starts crying, obviously feeling neglected, and helen has more pressing problems. but as she goes through the motions of her night- dinner, luna’s bedtime, watch the news, go to sleep- all helen can think about is _max max max_ , thoughts crashing around her head like a tidal wave. 

~

the next morning, helen wakes up in max’s bed with a jolt and in a cold sweat. she’d had a very interesting dream which she _will not_ go into detail about- _max’s hands are all over her legs and on her chest and in her hair and they’re_ -

it’s 8:35. why is she awake? luna is sleeping peacefully in her crib across from the bed. her phone isn’t going off. it’s like she’s been woken up by some sixth sense-

 _max is over her and on top of her, mouth doing some wonderful thing on her_ -

 _knock, knock, knock_. oh, the door. someone’s at the door. helen shakes herself off her sleepiness and any other emotion she may be feeling and rushes to get the door before whoever it is wakes up luna. it’s not max, she knows, because he has a key. duh. 

helen pulls open the door to find someone she doesn’t know. ‘can i help you?’ she asks, only a little apprehensive. 

the guy can’t be older than 25. ‘i’m sorry,’ he says, holding out a manila envelope. ‘but the nurse de vega asked that the lab rush and hand deliver this and, well...we’re too scared of her to say no.’

oh. nurse de vega. the one who told helen she’d rush max’s lab work. 

‘thank you,’ she finally tells the kid. she takes the envelope hesitantly but clutches it with both hands once she has it. 

‘no problem, doctor. i hope it’s good news.’ he smiles, gives her an awkward little wave, and then is bounding down the hallway and stairs. 

helen stands frozen in the doorway, staring and the thing in her hands. these results determine the rest of max’s, of hers, of _their_ lives together, and she finds herself terrified, all memories of good dreams gone. what if it’s not good news? what if it is?

she won’t open it, she decides, until max gets home. his plane is supposed to leave at 6:05 and land at 7:30, and with traffic, he won’t be home until 8:30 at the earliest. it seems like a long time to wait, but helen leaves the envelope on the kitchen counter nonetheless. 

yesterday, when she was waiting for max to text her back, it was easy to stay busy because there was so much to do. unfortunately for today helen, yesterday helen didn’t anticipate this crisis and so very graciously did all of the chores that needed to be done for the weekend. there’s still little things to do, like make the bed and feed luna and make sure she doesn’t chew on anything she’s not supposed to (she’s teething, which is great in that she can eat more solid foods, and horrible in that everything you hand her ends up in her mouth). helen swiffers the floor again and is cleaning the shower when she hears the distinctive sound of keys in the door. 

she peeks around the corner just as he enters. it’s only 10:00. 

‘where are my girls?’ max calls into the apartment, and helen can practically hear the grin he’s wearing. luna shrieks with happiness as he picks her up from her swing and smothers her with kisses. 

‘max? what are you doing back so soon?’ helen asks, a little bewildered that he’s here and also that she feels so mushy inside just like _that_. 

‘what, not happy to see me, sharpe?’ he asks as he comes over to pull her into a tight hug, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. 

‘i didn’t say that.’ his smile is infectious. her face is pressed into his sweater, so her voice is a little muffled, and she inhales deeply to get the scent of him. ‘just didn’t think you’d be back until almost 9 tonight. what about the rest of the conference?’

‘the conference was boring, and dumb. i’m not paying for it and i’d rather be here with you guys, so i had them move up my flight,’ max explains as he put luna back in her bouncer. 

helen watches him fondly as he digs through the fridge. ‘as your deputy medical director, i’m obligated to tell you that the board is going to be pissed,’ she tells him. 

he looks over at her. ‘i know,’ he says cheekily. ‘and as my helen?’

his helen. she tries to control the flutter of her heart. ‘i’m glad you’re back,’ she says softly. ‘i missed you.’

‘i missed you, too.’

max is looking at her oddly. he’s all soft and lovey like he usually is, sure, but there’s something else in his eyes. helen suddenly finds herself thinking back to her steamy dream without having the faintest clue as to why. 

‘oh,’ helen suddenly remembers. she grabs the envelope off the counter. ‘this came today. i didn’t want to open it without you.’

max’s eyes go wide at the sight of the lab seal on the front. ‘is that-‘

‘yeah.’

he takes the envelope reverently, like it’s radioactive or a bomb, and just stares at it. for the first time in a while when it comes to his cancer, max looks terrified. helen hasn’t seen him look this scared since she woke up in a hospital bed with half of her organs replaced. she doesn’t like the feeling. 

she gently puts a hand on top of one of his. max moves it only to rip open the seal, then intertwines their fingers together as he dumps out the papers. he snatches them up and skims them quickly. 

‘i don’t know what this means, i don’t understand it,’ he says, sounding a little panicked. 

helen squeezes his hand. ‘give them here.’

max complies and helen starts to read-

and then her heart stops. 

‘helen?’ max asks her softly after a moment. he sounds so very small. 

_oh my god_ , helen thinks. gone. 

‘it’s gone.’ the two words rip out of her throat. ‘it’s _gone_! max, you’re in remission!’

max lets out a thrilled whoop as he picks helen up to spin her around and there are tears in both of their eyes and helen drops the papers all over the floors but they’re laughing gleefully all the same. 

‘helen sharpe, i could kiss you right now!’ max says as he puts her down. 

helen doesn’t mean to say it, not really, but it comes out anyways. ‘then do it.’ it’s breathy but firm, and there’s no mistaking what she’s said. he stares at her, wide eyed, and for a moment helen is sure she’s ruined everything. then max goodwin is rushing her, teeth clacking as they hurry to meet each other in the middle. 

max has her crowded against the kitchen island, one arm on either side of her, and it’s the messiest kiss of helen’s life, but she doesn’t care. his lips are soft and his breath is hot and this is better than anything helen could have dreamed up in her entire life. everything, _everything_ , has been leading up to this moment, and now that it’s here, she doesn’t want to let it go. 

they only break apart when they absolutely have to. they’re both panting for breath, max’s face buried in her shoulder and her hands fisted tightly in his sweater, and max huffs out a laugh as he kisses her neck softly. 

‘you have no idea how long i’ve wanted to do that,’ he whispers in between little pecks on her collarbones, her cheeks, her neck. 

helen scoffs. ‘yes i do,’ she challenges. ‘and if it’s been anywhere as long as me, this is long overdue.’

max pulls back to look her in the eyes. ‘i’m sorry it took us so long to get here,’ he says, eyes studying her face intently. helen thinks he might be memorizing every inch of her face, just as she’s doing now with his. 

‘me too,’ she agrees, placing her hands on either side of his face. ‘but we’re here now.’

‘i can’t imagine life without you, helen.’ he rests his forehead on hers but keeps his eyes on hers. ‘i can’t imagine doing this, raising luna without you- _ohmygod,wheredidiputluna?_ ’

they both hastily look around the corner to check on their child and sigh when they find her still securely in her swing, looking just a little put out at being excluded. helen laughs and lets her head fall into max’s chest with a dull _thud_ and just listens to his heart for a second. the steady beat of his heart falters ever so slightly as she grabs hold of his hand, and it makes her smirk. helen pulls back to kiss him soundly on the lips. 

‘me either,’ she says against his mouth. 

‘hm?’ he sounds so dazed, so absolutely dazzled by her. it’s helen’s heart’s turn to flutter. 

‘i can’t imagine living without you, either.’

she can feel the smile that grows on his lips because hers are still ghostly lightly over them. max steps back again and she chases him without meaning to, whining when he actually does walk away. but it’s only to pick up luna, whose baby smile matches her father’s perfectly, and then he’s right back at her side where he’s meant to be. 

‘i love you,’ he whispers reverently, so earnestly, knocking all of the air out of helen’s lungs in the way that only max goodwin can. 

helen can’t help the happy tears that spill out of her eyes at the phrase. ‘i love you too,’ she sighs out, and she means it. saying it is as easy as riding a bike and helen has an innate feeling that she was _meant_ to love max.

as she lifts up on her toes to wrap her arms around max and luna, helen feels the familiar tug of reassembled skin on her abdomen. it will never go away, she realizes, and is surprised to find that she doesn’t particularly want it to. 

instead, as she buries her head in max’s chest and feels his chin come to rest on her head, helen sends a thank you up to georgia goodwin, wherever she is. _thank you_ , helen thinks. 

_thank you for giving me the opportunity to love him._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> general writing notes:  
> [this](https://welcome-to-the-13th.tumblr.com/post/185177328561/freema-looking-good) is the picture that helen accidentally sends to max
> 
> freema’s mom is persian, and she has a tattoo in persian so i’m ASSUMING she has some basic knowledge but uhhh who knows
> 
> i’m writing a sort of companion(?) lauren/reynolds fic for this that takes place over about the same time period. we’ll see if it actually gets posted lol
> 
> thanks so much for reading you guys!! drop kudos and comment to let me know what you think! and come yell at me on tumblr: welcome-to-the-13th

**Author's Note:**

> kudos/comments much appreciated! i'm doctor-sharpe on tumblr, come yell at me!


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